Achievement Unlocked Visibility Global Unlocks
Self Defence
Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests. 		2018-11-02 17:16:32 15.8%
Popcorn Buffet
Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn. 		2018-11-02 17:12:43 3.3%
Fire Inspector
Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety. 		2018-11-02 16:44:27 32.0%
Go Left
Move to the left. 		2018-11-02 16:35:35 45.0%
Go Right
Move to the right. 		2018-11-02 16:35:33 44.9%
Appalling Appetite
You should see a doctor immediately.
1.2%
Swan Tamer
Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill. 		10.4%
Paperwork
Submit your monthly physical report. 		2.1%
Master Unlocker
Collect enough milk to fill the tank. 		3.8%
Sleep No More
Don't let sleeping dongs lie. 		1.5%
Early Bird
Swallow every worm. 		1.6%
Couch Party
Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game. 		1.2%
Magnetic Basshole
Win Lights Out in under five seconds. 		3.7%
My Precious
Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings. 		3.2%
Safety First
Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles. 		3.0%
Meet Your Maker
Penetrate God.
3.0%
Spare Wheel
Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus. 		4.7%
Generous Lover
Finish last in a Party Mode game. 		31.7%
Always Finishes First
Good at video games. Terrible at sex. 		6.6%
Autopaedicatio
Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode. 		6.7%
Fussy Lover
Save yourself for that special orgy. 		1.1%
Bulking Gear
Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains. 		1.5%
The Perfect Partner
Marry yourself in Abstinence. 		4.0%
Most Improved Tapulator
Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu. 		4.7%
A Better John
Start taking responsibility for you actions.
11.1%
Summer Job
Reminisce about your care-free days as a cactus picker.
4.2%
Till Death Do Us
Have sex in the Date Night graveyard. 		9.2%
Clumsy
Die a lot of times in your nightmares. 		6.1%